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Shawn E Beightol

March 13, 2021 at 5:40 am Reply

Richard,
I was searching for a letter I wrote to my son 10 years ago when he turned 13. In it I had mentioned your website, a site that I had known for some years. Fist bump for still being here, still living and thinking.

from my letter:

Now, for some of the things I have learned or am learning about being a man:

Finish what you start, even if you have to restart it. Books, projects, sentences, relationships. Don’t leave them hanging.

Do what you say you are going to do – follow through. People lose respect for you if you just talk.

“Do what needs doing, say what needs saying” – it is usually not easy or fun, but someone’s got to do or say the hard things. Swallow your fear, delay your rest, pleasure or relaxation and say or do what needs saying or doing.

Grow your roots emotionally and or spiritually – read great books about being human (Siddartha!). In my earlier “internet days,” I found this guy’s site to be quite enlightening: https://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/thoughts.html . Meditate/pray. Somewhere, sometime, someone you love is going to need you to be strong and sheltering. You will wither unless your roots go deep.

Be strong enough to be vulnerable. Real men feel the full range of emotions and are not afraid to do so. But do not become addicted to or mastered by any emotion – pride, pity, sorrow, anger, ecstasy are good in their appropriate doses, like adrenaline or dopamine. But over-attachment to these results in a “lop-sided” character.

Likewise, as I mentioned earlier – seek a balance in your activities. Too much of anything is a bad thing – too much oxygen can kill or blind you, too much water can kill you. Too much couch, sugar, sex, sleep, video games, sports, etc can also make you a “lop-sided,” obese (more than physically obese), unhealthy, underdeveloped person. In all things, seek a balance.

I know this is a new era, an era characterized by technology and software, but your body and mind took millions of years to evolve into what they are today, before technology – you were designed to be outdoors and your mental and physical state require time outdoors – to observe and sense the wind direction and strength on the hairs of your body; the phase and pull of the moon on the earth’s waters (even the water in your body); the spin of stars and constellations in the sky; the sound of burbling water in creeks, rivers, and oceans; the scent of an animal you are observing quietly without its knowledge; the smell of smoke and heat of a fire you built to keep warm and safe. The book Ishmael tells that the degree of industrialization of a nation exactly mirrors the amount of mental illness in a society – it is the separation and isolation of man from nature that has allowed/facilitated the increase in psychological extremes – people don’t know why they are here or what to do with themselves. When survival, even gathering a dinner and cooking it, took so much of our day, there was little time for socially or personally destructive behavior/frames of mind. Natural selection had a way of eliminating these harmful extremes of human behavior.

Get outside – you need the vitamin D and the contact with nature to understand your place in this world. History repeats itself and one day the infrastructure of this “high tech” world will fail, in part or whole – will you know what to do with yourself then?

A paraplegic college-mate of mine had a bumper sticker on his wheelchair that he got from a sailing program for paraplegics – “GOAL – Get Out And Live!”

Get out and live!

Be strong enough to love and strong enough to tell of your love. There are many definitions of love – in my book, more than a feeling, love is an action and a commitment – a commitment to the good of someone else. Often this commitment is accompanied by a feeling – and it’s nice when it feels good – but there are times when you must love in the absence of love feelings, or even when you feel the opposite. Love is not spoiling, love is not giving in, love is not surrender (though it can include these at times) – it is a commitment to the other’s good (without depriving yourself, because you must love yourself, you cannot survive in loving others without first loving yourself). Sometimes love requires difficult action. Sometimes this means saying hard things, sometimes it means doing hard things, including separation, like a bird being pushed out of its comfortable nest, sometimes love requires separation to achieve “the other’s good.”

There is a scripture that says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” I think if you learned this, you would learn much about love.

Don’t be afraid to love – there will always be separation, but you will grow through it to love on, to love more, to love again.

Thomas Moore, the author of the series on the human soul wrote of celebrating not only the beginning of love, but knowing and rejoicing in the end of love too.

There will be another pet, another sunset, another place called home, and at your age, another girl.

I’ve suggested to my students to wait until they’re 30 to make a marriage commitment for what they think is love. It takes that long to sort through who you, what you want, and what you can give.

As you stumble through the discovery of love, don’t forget that you are capable of producing life biologically – be responsible. It is far easier to be responsible in advance of producing life than afterward. Use protection.

Try new things. Who cares if someone is watching or what they think??! Who are they to you and what do their opinions matter, today or 5 years from now? When you have a chance, grab a girl’s hand and dance with her – who cares if you don’t know how! Make it up – no one will know but you! Try new music, learn new styles and values and cultures! Learn and practice new languages. Learn to appreciate and understand art – why humans create music, sculptures, and paintings. Take classes – computers and technology, sports (like fencing, sailing and scuba!). Try new things – it will keep you young and humble.

Speaking of new things – at this age, public speaking is a new thing for you – don’t be afraid – those who listen believe you know. Choose, when you can, something you love or care about. Regardless, with adequate preparation, when it is time to speak, say it loud with passion and voice inflexion. You are the expert then, never apologize or admit your preparation was less than perfect (you will distract from the message) – you control the information flow, speak from what you do know, steer the subsequent questions and conversation to what you know. You don’t have to have all the answers – you can ask questions of the audience themselves and animate the speech this way.

As important as the new is, embrace the old – rituals, traditions, heritage are an important and integral part of who you are. Be proud of your ancestors, your history, your heritage and culture.

Don’t be afraid to fail. No one is perfect. You will fail. You can either accept “failure” as a part of life and love or you can live paralyzed by fear. There are varying degrees of consequences for “failure,” weigh them realistically. Are they survivable? If not, is the cause worthy to undertake? What is the cost and are you willing to pay it? Some of the consequences are more emotional/value dependent than concrete. For these, the (imagined) stigma is certainly survivable. Great things are rarely accomplished by those afraid to fail.

Find a balanced perspective on the importance of money in life. Money does not equal joy, but it does not equal evil either. Money, or capital, is essential to life, it is simply a substitute, a tradeable commodity equal to water, food, shelter and other necessities. Without these, one will die, or at least struggle with the basics of survival and not be able to deal with the questions of higher existence. Maslow showed that there are basic needs that must each be met for a human to focus on each successive level of growth and development. On the other hand, as Tiger Woods and other wealthy people have shown, the mere possession of capital is not sufficient to satisfy. One must find satisfaction, joy, and happiness before, during, and after the acquisition of material goods, not because of the acquisition of material things. Ascetism and poverty themselves are not enlightening, nor is wealth – as surely as Tiger Woods shows the inability of material possessions themselves to satisfy, the aged, driven ascetic of Siddartha shows the folly of imagining poverty itself to be enlightenment. Each can be a distraction from joy.

On a related note, find/know your worth. Demand it, work for it, earn it. You and your time are worth much. Be sure to prepare yourself and reserve yourself for the pursuits that will pay you your worth so that you may earn enough in the time that you work to pay for the necessities and desires of your life and still have time to enjoy them. There is no glory in being a servant, though there are times to serve and having the humility and insight to know when it is good to serve are attributes of a charactered, principled person.

Sometime ago I developed a series of statements and questions for my students in my classroom to ponder about growing up. They were based on an admonishment inscribed over the courtroom at Ohio Northern University, “Know Thyself,” from Socrates; “Control Thyself,” from Cicero; and “Give Thyself” from Jesus. I would add to them “Forgive thyself,” “Love thyself,” and “Test thyself.”

Respect,

Shawn Beightol
Miami, FL

6 Comments

Mutlu Ercelenk

January 18, 2020 at 6:34 pm Reply

Thanks for being there Rich. I have read you nearly since the beginning. I wish you and your family members long and healthy lives with love.
Saga

September 7, 2020 at 8:36 am Reply

Been following you since 1997! You rock! family and all…
- Fritze Rodic
  
  October 23, 2020 at 6:04 pm Reply
  
  What a beautiful and heartfelt
  “In memoriam” you left for Trudy.
  I felt deeply touched.
  Love,
  Fritze
  Your mother in law
Shawn E Beightol

March 13, 2021 at 5:40 am Reply

Richard,
I was searching for a letter I wrote to my son 10 years ago when he turned 13. In it I had mentioned your website, a site that I had known for some years. Fist bump for still being here, still living and thinking.

from my letter:

Now, for some of the things I have learned or am learning about being a man:

Finish what you start, even if you have to restart it. Books, projects, sentences, relationships. Don’t leave them hanging.

Do what you say you are going to do – follow through. People lose respect for you if you just talk.

“Do what needs doing, say what needs saying” – it is usually not easy or fun, but someone’s got to do or say the hard things. Swallow your fear, delay your rest, pleasure or relaxation and say or do what needs saying or doing.

Grow your roots emotionally and or spiritually – read great books about being human (Siddartha!). In my earlier “internet days,” I found this guy’s site to be quite enlightening: https://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/thoughts.html . Meditate/pray. Somewhere, sometime, someone you love is going to need you to be strong and sheltering. You will wither unless your roots go deep.

Be strong enough to be vulnerable. Real men feel the full range of emotions and are not afraid to do so. But do not become addicted to or mastered by any emotion – pride, pity, sorrow, anger, ecstasy are good in their appropriate doses, like adrenaline or dopamine. But over-attachment to these results in a “lop-sided” character.

Likewise, as I mentioned earlier – seek a balance in your activities. Too much of anything is a bad thing – too much oxygen can kill or blind you, too much water can kill you. Too much couch, sugar, sex, sleep, video games, sports, etc can also make you a “lop-sided,” obese (more than physically obese), unhealthy, underdeveloped person. In all things, seek a balance.

I know this is a new era, an era characterized by technology and software, but your body and mind took millions of years to evolve into what they are today, before technology – you were designed to be outdoors and your mental and physical state require time outdoors – to observe and sense the wind direction and strength on the hairs of your body; the phase and pull of the moon on the earth’s waters (even the water in your body); the spin of stars and constellations in the sky; the sound of burbling water in creeks, rivers, and oceans; the scent of an animal you are observing quietly without its knowledge; the smell of smoke and heat of a fire you built to keep warm and safe. The book Ishmael tells that the degree of industrialization of a nation exactly mirrors the amount of mental illness in a society – it is the separation and isolation of man from nature that has allowed/facilitated the increase in psychological extremes – people don’t know why they are here or what to do with themselves. When survival, even gathering a dinner and cooking it, took so much of our day, there was little time for socially or personally destructive behavior/frames of mind. Natural selection had a way of eliminating these harmful extremes of human behavior.

Get outside – you need the vitamin D and the contact with nature to understand your place in this world. History repeats itself and one day the infrastructure of this “high tech” world will fail, in part or whole – will you know what to do with yourself then?

A paraplegic college-mate of mine had a bumper sticker on his wheelchair that he got from a sailing program for paraplegics – “GOAL – Get Out And Live!”

Get out and live!

Be strong enough to love and strong enough to tell of your love. There are many definitions of love – in my book, more than a feeling, love is an action and a commitment – a commitment to the good of someone else. Often this commitment is accompanied by a feeling – and it’s nice when it feels good – but there are times when you must love in the absence of love feelings, or even when you feel the opposite. Love is not spoiling, love is not giving in, love is not surrender (though it can include these at times) – it is a commitment to the other’s good (without depriving yourself, because you must love yourself, you cannot survive in loving others without first loving yourself). Sometimes love requires difficult action. Sometimes this means saying hard things, sometimes it means doing hard things, including separation, like a bird being pushed out of its comfortable nest, sometimes love requires separation to achieve “the other’s good.”

There is a scripture that says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” I think if you learned this, you would learn much about love.

Don’t be afraid to love – there will always be separation, but you will grow through it to love on, to love more, to love again.

Thomas Moore, the author of the series on the human soul wrote of celebrating not only the beginning of love, but knowing and rejoicing in the end of love too.

There will be another pet, another sunset, another place called home, and at your age, another girl.

I’ve suggested to my students to wait until they’re 30 to make a marriage commitment for what they think is love. It takes that long to sort through who you, what you want, and what you can give.

As you stumble through the discovery of love, don’t forget that you are capable of producing life biologically – be responsible. It is far easier to be responsible in advance of producing life than afterward. Use protection.

Try new things. Who cares if someone is watching or what they think??! Who are they to you and what do their opinions matter, today or 5 years from now? When you have a chance, grab a girl’s hand and dance with her – who cares if you don’t know how! Make it up – no one will know but you! Try new music, learn new styles and values and cultures! Learn and practice new languages. Learn to appreciate and understand art – why humans create music, sculptures, and paintings. Take classes – computers and technology, sports (like fencing, sailing and scuba!). Try new things – it will keep you young and humble.

Speaking of new things – at this age, public speaking is a new thing for you – don’t be afraid – those who listen believe you know. Choose, when you can, something you love or care about. Regardless, with adequate preparation, when it is time to speak, say it loud with passion and voice inflexion. You are the expert then, never apologize or admit your preparation was less than perfect (you will distract from the message) – you control the information flow, speak from what you do know, steer the subsequent questions and conversation to what you know. You don’t have to have all the answers – you can ask questions of the audience themselves and animate the speech this way.

As important as the new is, embrace the old – rituals, traditions, heritage are an important and integral part of who you are. Be proud of your ancestors, your history, your heritage and culture.

Don’t be afraid to fail. No one is perfect. You will fail. You can either accept “failure” as a part of life and love or you can live paralyzed by fear. There are varying degrees of consequences for “failure,” weigh them realistically. Are they survivable? If not, is the cause worthy to undertake? What is the cost and are you willing to pay it? Some of the consequences are more emotional/value dependent than concrete. For these, the (imagined) stigma is certainly survivable. Great things are rarely accomplished by those afraid to fail.

Find a balanced perspective on the importance of money in life. Money does not equal joy, but it does not equal evil either. Money, or capital, is essential to life, it is simply a substitute, a tradeable commodity equal to water, food, shelter and other necessities. Without these, one will die, or at least struggle with the basics of survival and not be able to deal with the questions of higher existence. Maslow showed that there are basic needs that must each be met for a human to focus on each successive level of growth and development. On the other hand, as Tiger Woods and other wealthy people have shown, the mere possession of capital is not sufficient to satisfy. One must find satisfaction, joy, and happiness before, during, and after the acquisition of material goods, not because of the acquisition of material things. Ascetism and poverty themselves are not enlightening, nor is wealth – as surely as Tiger Woods shows the inability of material possessions themselves to satisfy, the aged, driven ascetic of Siddartha shows the folly of imagining poverty itself to be enlightenment. Each can be a distraction from joy.

On a related note, find/know your worth. Demand it, work for it, earn it. You and your time are worth much. Be sure to prepare yourself and reserve yourself for the pursuits that will pay you your worth so that you may earn enough in the time that you work to pay for the necessities and desires of your life and still have time to enjoy them. There is no glory in being a servant, though there are times to serve and having the humility and insight to know when it is good to serve are attributes of a charactered, principled person.

Sometime ago I developed a series of statements and questions for my students in my classroom to ponder about growing up. They were based on an admonishment inscribed over the courtroom at Ohio Northern University, “Know Thyself,” from Socrates; “Control Thyself,” from Cicero; and “Give Thyself” from Jesus. I would add to them “Forgive thyself,” “Love thyself,” and “Test thyself.”

Respect,

Shawn Beightol
Miami, FL
- rjgeib
  
  March 13, 2021 at 6:09 am Reply
  
  A wonderful letter, Shawn. Thank you fir sharing. Glad to hear you and your son are doing well.
Mudda

April 12, 2021 at 4:43 am Reply

Your an amazing tennis usta captain/player. respect. -Mudda

6 Comments

Mutlu Ercelenk

Saga

Fritze Rodic

Shawn E Beightol

rjgeib

Mudda

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