I recently read an article written by Niki Marinis who claimed that if a man was to break up with her, he should do it by email or by phone call; it would be too painful to do it face-to-face, and she would prefer he spare her the trauma of the painful conversation in person and just do it by phone. Then he would not see her cry, see her fall apart in heartbreak. It was easier this way, Niki claimed. Here is her article:
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\u201cIf You\u2019re Going to Dump Me, Do It Over the Phone\u201d<\/strong><\/a>
By Niki Marinis<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It might be easier to break up over the telephone, as Marinis suggests, but that does not mean it is better, in my opinion. I will explain my further thinking on this in this essay. I read Niki’s article two weeks ago and have thought long about it.
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Ms. Marinis was employing a coping mechanism in claiming to prefer a phone call to a face-to-face breakup. I get it. Niki is probably about thirty years old and in the middle of it all. She is in her prime courting years, hormones and fertility — youth, desire, confusion, bliss, heartbreak. It is hard. I get it. I have been married for 17 years and am fifty two-years old now, so much of the thrills and pains of the romantic chase are behind me, but I was completely in it as a younger man. I understand. The courtship drama can be full of amazing highs and devastating lows: a person in love shows exactly the same symptoms as a person suffering from manic depression. Love can be a sort of madness. A wonderful, horrible, exhausting, exhilarating roller-coaster ride in the tunnel of love<\/a>.
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And often — or sometimes? usually? always? — these powerful romantic relationships end. And usually the end is not pretty. I know.
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Ms. Marinis would prefer to have the end of a relationship be quick and as painless as possible — like ripping the band-aid off painfully but quickly. No extended face-to-face painful conversation. Just do it and be gone. Don\u2019t drag it out. Minimize it.
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I have even heard of \u201cghosting\u201d where a romantic partner would just disappear. No message of what is happening or why to their beloved — they just disappear. No communication at all. Just gone. You met through a dating app on your smartphone and communicated via text, and then they simply disappeared from that smartphone. They \u201cghosted\u201d you. In the age of Internet dating, this can become a new normal.
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Maybe it is a generational thing, but when I was single in the 1980s and 1990s I ended every single significant\u200a\u2014 and not-so-significant relationship\u200a\u2014 with a face-to-face meeting. (This is so far as I can remember them decades later.) The breakups might have been painful and the breakup conversation delicate, but it deserved to be done face-to-face. \u201cMan up\u201d and explain how you feel, etc. I would almost go so far and claim this is what makes a gentleman. It might have been painful, but I strongly suspect two decades later old girlfriends appreciated the candor and honesty.\u00a0
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I suspect they would not have appreciated it if I had \u201cghosted\u201d them. If I had just cut off all communication and never gave them any sort of communication as to why I was ending it. But ghosting seems to be symptomatic of the technology-heavy vision of romance which smartphones and social media play a central role. You have people who are highly skilled at asynchronous digital communication, but not so good at face-to-face communication. People are meaner to each other over social media than they are in person (the \u201conline disinhibition effect\u201d), and they similarly find it easier to end relationships electronically rather than in person, too. It can be easier to just stop communicating. Or in her case of Niki Marinis, just phone me and give me the news quick — and then leave me alone to my grief.
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This is what I have seen: if you cheat on a girlfriend and then lie about it and get caught — well, she will never forget it and most likely never forgive you. The relationship will be over and she will be like, \u201cFuck you AND fuck the horse you left town on!\u201d<\/em> But if you gather your courage and explain in person why it is not working and why you decided as you did, she might cry and be heartbroken. But she will respect what you did, especially later when the emotions of the moment have cooled. She probably won\u2019t want to stab pins into a voodoo doll of you. But if you cheat on her and she finds out and you lie about it, it will be different. Ultimately the outcome might be the same but how a relationship ends is important. It comes down to the respect and consideration shown for the person.
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I remember being in a complicated, long-term love affair with a woman seven years older than myself. We had been together for years and were living together, but for complicated reasons it was not working out. We loved each other deeply but it was approaching the time to part, and I was the one ending it. I remember that last week when my beloved could tell I was on my way out, and wow was she unpleasant. It was rough. Finally, I told her. Then I called a buddy to be ready to help me move the next morning and also reserved a moving van. I was gone by noon the next day. The whole process was hard on both of us, but I was communicating with her all throughout the process and explaining what I was doing and why. She was in the loop. That was why she was \u201csuch a bitch\u201d to me (in her own later words) in those last few weeks: she knew I was leaving and why. Even in the end we cried together as our relationship ended.\u00a0
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And we remained friends. Almost 30 years later I look forward to having a long phone conversation with every other year or so. She is now semi-retired and lives with her husband in another state some 1,100 miles away. I hope the best for her, and I hear news about her family and extended friends (most of whom I know) with interest. We never turned our back on each other and claimed, \u201cGood riddance!\u201d<\/em> If anything were to happen to her loved ones, I would feel it, too. I would do anything I could to help her, if I could.
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This is the way I look at it: if you loved her in the beginning<\/a>, if you were present when you fell in love<\/a> and experienced romantic bliss<\/a>, if you were two-in-one<\/a> during the throes<\/a> of sexual passion<\/a>, then you should be present when the relationship is failing and when it ends. If you care about her in the good times, you should care enough about her towards the end — in the bad times. Maybe even care about her after it is over? Just leaving without any communication at all is a cop out. It might be easier for one of the people in the relationship — grab your things and run — but it is unkind to the other person. The more I think about it, the more it comes to resemble a profoundly deep form of betrayal.
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So when I read about \u201cghosting\u201d in online dating nowadays and am semi-horrified.
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When I talk to 18-year old young men now, I tell them not to ask girls for a date by text message. \u201cDo it face-to-face.\u201d<\/em> And if you are going to break up with a girlfriend, it is doubly so. Do it with as much honesty, kindness, and maturity as possible. And do it in person. I would hope to get as much with a woman breaking up with me, and I was lucky to get that.
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I remember my first great love affair<\/a> ending. I was a junior in college at the time and was crushed when she told me it was over. She explained that the timing was bad, now was not a good time, we want different things, etc. — this is all normal, and in time you can see the bigger picture. But she met me face-to-face and explained her decision. She held my hand as I cried. She did not simply kick me to the curb. I appreciated it. I do not blame her for breaking up with me, and with time I came to appreciate she was acting in good faith. I was learning an important life lesson in the joys and pains of romantic love.
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What would I tell my younger self now? I would say this: that you won\u2019t be heartbroken forever, this is part of growing up, hang in there, young man. I was in crisis; I was soul-sick. I withdrew that quarter from UCLA because of it. I learned to appreciate the lyrics from Fleetwood Mac\u2019s \u201cGold Dust Woman\u201d<\/a><\/em> where the following questions are asked:
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