People Need to Chill Out

It is both a weakness and a strength that I am not always the most attuned to the opinions that others have of me.

In college, in retrospect, there were times young women were coming on to me and I was just too dumb to recognize it. They would almost have to throw themselves at me before I got the message. As a result, I missed out on various opportunities for romantic adventure. That is a negative.

But it goes the other way, too. At work there have been times when certain people have been angry with me, for whatever reason. I was not always all that attuned to the vibe, and so I pretty much ignored them and went on with my life. But that was usually a positive. Why?  Because I did not get into personal disputes and therefore make things worse. There is that person at work who is always getting into it with others – a “drama queen,” who is a “difficult person,” and has “sharp elbows”– and others tend to avoid them. Or their employers fire them. Or they lose friends. I am not that person. That is a positive.

This brings me to the point of this essay: I have been amazed over the last years how so many Americans have become so unmoored that they seem way more willing than in previous times to get into fights with others. In the last eight or so years – especially since the 2016 presidential election of Donald Trump, and even more since the darkest days of the Covid-19 pandemic – Americans have been touchy and predisposed to take offense. Americans are too quick to lose their shit, ready to get up in someone else’s grill about it, and this is seen in a thousands ways large and small. To sum it up: people are rude. It is much worse in America than it used to be. Everyone seems to be so ready to take offense. They are primed to fight.

Why is that? Did the controversial candidacy of Donald Trump for president in 2015 introduce an element of crassness, meanness, and combativeness into public life which filtered down to the population below and changed how we interact? Did the police killing of George Floyd in 2020 inflame racial tensions and inspire a sense of hysteria? Combine that with the Covid global pandemic which brought strong elements of pressure, anxiety, and fear into the lives of just about everybody and do you have an explosive situation? Are their stressors at play — such as unemployment, isolation, disease, riots, and uncertainty about the future — which can lead to increased frustration and anger. Is loneliness also an issue, and unhappiness in people’s personal lives, with a lack of family and social support… does it lead to hostility, shit-talking, intolerance, and CONFLICT.

Violent crime is up, with the murder rate, in particular, much higher than it was five years ago. Americans are killing each other and dying in reckless behavior at a much rate than before. Experts seem to blame the increase in violent crime on factors such as police pulling back after racial-justice protests in 2020, the proliferation of guns, initiatives to release more criminal suspects without bail, and a pandemic pause in gang-violence prevention programs. But I suspect the Covid pandemic accelerated (but did not necessarily initiate) an unraveling of the social contract, more than anything else. The fraying of community, the stress of poverty, the weakening of families, and the resulting anger of isolated individuals ready to point the finger at their enemies, all egged on by social media and a culture of shit-talking there.

Murder is on the rise, as I mentioned, but so too are other less extreme manifestations of antisocial behavior, like reckless driving, aggression from airplane passengers, and disruptive conduct in schools. It seems like every time I turn around, someone is acting like a total asshole – I see it on the news, or I see it around me. It is political polarization and race relations, and a dozen other issues, too. It is also conflict inside families and between friends. “I might have been friends with so-and-so for ten years, but I had to break it off because of problematic comments she sometimes makes on a bunch of issues. No regrets. I feel so much better!” or “My uncle was always kind of annoying with his politics, but I finally had enough and told him off. I wish never to speak to him again. We are done!” It is ugly to see. It moves on from there. Rival street gangs have beefs which start on social media, but then they lead to murders in real life. Conflict often start on the Internet, or around controversies brewed online, or on social media, especially. But the conflict happens face-to-face, too. Everyone is so pissed off.

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. That is how I see it.

People are acting like assholes. Many have lost it, in the context of the pandemic, or are just a bit away from losing it:

“People Have Gotten to the Point Where They Just Don’t Give a Damn.”

“‘People Lost Their Ever-Lovin’ Minds.”

Others speculate that the reasons for the rising violence and dysfunction are harder to pinpoint. They speculate that the breakdown of deeply rooted social connections that bind together communities, coupled with the stress of the Covid-19 pandemic, played a role. Or is it that ever-present, all-purpose bogeyman of “racism”? Or economic inequality? Or political polarization? Or housing unaffordability? Or climate change? Or the breakdown of the family and community values? Or unhappiness with dating apps and long-term romantic disappointment? Or declining mental health? Or drug addiction and fentanyl overdoses? Or unconscious, implicit bias? Or gender dysmorphia? Or deeply ingrained misogyny? Or the deep state unaccountability by elites? Or declining trust in institutions? Or all of the above? Or something else?

Who knows?

What I do know is too many people nowadays are too ready to mix it up with others. The Progressive Left wants to fight “white supremacy,” cis heteronormative patriarchy, and embrace Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in an “antiracist” struggle. They want to “hold accountable” toxic white males and end the “stochastic terrorism” of conservative talking points – “hate speech,” as defined by them. Words can, they claim, equal “violence,” and anyone saying something “racist” or “anti-womyn” is targeted – for a “struggle session,” with Human Resources or a hostile social media audience, at best, or to be fired with your public reputation trashed, at worst. They teach a vision of U.S. history which highlights the negative, and gives short shrift to anything else; any instructor going against the grain of this politically-motivated interpretation may be decried for supporting “white supremacy.” The Left is targeting people in this fashion.

In contrast, the Far Right wants to get rid of Drag Queens and Pride merchandise at Target department stores and Critical Race Theory in the public schools. They target “groomer” public school teachers who bring LGBTQIA+ material or flags to their classrooms to improperly influence young minds (and bodies). They want to ban literature they don’t like from school libraries, and they seek to prohibit minors from gaining access to gender transition medicine. They teach a vision of U.S. history which minimizes the negative, and is full of tendentious partisan interference; God help any teacher who does not toe the party line. So the Right is targeting people, too.

It is a “free speech for me but not for thee” situation. “You are with us or against us.” Either you are an “ally,” or you are an enemy. Everyone wants to fight: these are the “culture wars,” which get so much attention. Governor Gavin Newsom or California talks shit to Governor DeSantis of Florida, and the favor is returned. I, and most people, would prefer to remain outside the line of fire. Get on with our lives. But the obstreperous and the outrageous they decry each other at every opportunity and, for some reason, they are allowed to take up so much of the oxygen in the room.

But the effects of these divisions and this anger flow down and disperses itself down into the wider society. My younger daughter, growing up under the pervasive influence of social media, sometimes explains to me that so-and-so has been “canceled,” or that such-and-such an idea is “unacceptable.” Saying the “n word” gets you canceled, she says. But I see some punk teenage kids at her middle school saying the “n word” not out of any real racial animus towards black people but because it gets a rise out of others. Because they are 12-year old punk kids. That word which-shall-not-be-spoken becomes the unspeakable taboo which is invested with more power than any mere word should have, and therefore some are drawn to it. It is just a word, low and ugly, cruel and ignorant, and best left in history books. But some people will burst out in near hysterics if they hear it: there will be rending of clothes upon hearing the unmentionable. It is like in the Harry Potter stories where rather than speak out loud the unspeakable name of the ultra villain “Voldemort,” terrified people substitute in its place “he who shall not be named.” Maybe we should expect no better from teenagers, but what about the adults who indulge this?

It goes on from there. Author JK Rowling is pronounced “a bigot” against trans people and is therefore persona non grata: she’s gotta go. ( I wrote about this at length: “Leave JK Rowling Alone, FFS.”) I saw last week that the popular singer Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend who supposedly said something “racist,” and so she is heavily criticized for having anything to do with him. (Swift’s commitment to the “anti-racist cause” is called into question.) Total strangers feel free to judge pop singer Taylor Swift’s romantic choices? The episode is as stupid as it is tedious. It it a tawdry pop culture flash in the pan which will be forgotten by next week, if not sooner. But why all this shit-talking? It is like invidious immature middle school gossip, or the worst instincts of people scrawled on bathroom walls.

But the spirit of this anger spreads, nonetheless. Because there is a censorious spirit lose among the people, and discord disperses through the land. This socio-political hostility is cultivated in the hot-house of the social media hive-mind zeitgeist, and it spreads from there throughout society. Lines are being drawn, and anyone who crosses the line does so at their own peril. Hostility and intolerance are almost the norm. It is a “cold” civil war. You see this in a thousand different ways all over the country from top to bottom, and from the political hard left to the political far right.

I hate it. (But I guess it is better than a “hot” civil war.)

I wish people would much more mind their own business.

Unless you have a very good reason to get into it with someone, let it be. Live and let live. If someone offends you, or you think they have, let it go, unless you really need to. Take a deep breath. Or speak rationally and respectfully about it with them. Try as much as possible not to give offense, especially when talking about controversial topics, but be even more hesitant to take offense. And don’t give in to your dark desire to disparage someone else, unless it is absolutely necessary. No attacking people’s reputation. No screaming at the superintendent at the school board meeting. No threatening a business because they won’t publicly embrace your controversial political position, and no businesses taking political stances on topics outside their core business concerns. No belittling or shaming the waitress. No trying to punch the flight attendant. No driving your motorcycle 110 mph on the freeway at one am. No getting out of your car during rush hour to throw fists with someone because of “road rage.” No ingesting white powders bought from some drug dealer somewhere which might stop your heart. No grabbing a gun as you lose your temper and make a mistake you can never undo. No talking shit to some stranger online while hiding behind your anonymous social media account. If you can’t say it to their face, keep your mouth shut. Control the devil on your shoulder encouraging you to give free reign to your Id. Grow up.

Don’t be a troll. Don’t be a goon. Don’t be a fool.

Enough.

Chill the fuck out, America.

Live and let live.

Most people want that.

Do you?

Why not?

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“How America Got Mean”
by David Brooks