One reads many accounts nowadays of parents, especially mothers, who seem to be overwhelmed. They seem to regret the choice to become a parent – “All Joy and No Fun.” Recent generations are hardly alone, as the amount of childless-by-choice adults in America has been increasing. The birth rate in the United States has plunged over the past five decades, as it has in many other countries. Becoming a parent seems unpopular. It is probably for many reasons: kids are hugely time-intensive, enormously expensive, one needs a partner (ideally) to do it, kids get in the way of life plans, etc. One could go on and on.
In this context, I enjoyed reading “Motherhood Is Better Than Advertised” by Haley Naida this morning. In her essay she describes the popular vision of a harried mom fleeing the burdens of mothering to a restaurant with other “wine moms” to kvetch about husbands and offspring thusly:
“The American mother is apparently a disheveled, stressed-out woman looking for a glass of wine. Most gift guides focus on pampering: coupons for spa days, manicures and pedicures. The underlying message is that all mothers want is a break from their children.”
Naida argues this image of mothers frazzled and exhausted by their children is “silly.” She goes on:
“After we put our boys to bed, my husband and I jokingly chant, ‘Wake them up! Wake them up!’ we want more of our kids, not less. We watch the videos of them, replaying the day. Sometimes, especially on days when they cross a small milestone, we open the camera rolls on our phones and scroll back to the day they were born, reminding ourselves of how far they’ve come.
“I think we are better for becoming parents. Through a cycle of struggle and delight, we are being refined.
“Yet the ads make women seem like victims of motherhood. Children naturally think their mothers are always dreaming of getting away from them. This doesn’t match the reality I see around me, and it’s certainly not how I want people to think of me. My children don’t ruin my life. The mothers that I know are proud of being moms. Motherhood has elevated and dignified them.”
Haley Naida’s was a refreshing take. It was certainly different from what one might expect. Perhaps it is the “conservative” view of parenting and pro-family, which maybe is why it appeared in The Wall Street Journal. Here it is:
The “liberal” view would be the more negative ones you might come across at Jezebel, The Cut, Salon, or The New York Times.
Naida’s essay prompts me to reflect on how I feel about parenting. I am highly ambivalent. My daughters are in some ways my biggest joy in life, as well as my most profound contribution to the future. The process of being a committed and loving parent day-after-day, year-after-year has left me profoundly transformed as a person. In many ways, I am the better for it. But my daughters also have exhausted me to almost no end. In watching them approach the time where they leave for college, I regard the “finish line” with something approaching glee. I have given most of what I have to give to my daughters over 17 long years, and I don’t know how much I have left. Luckily, most of what they needed was given in those earliest years of their lives, when they were so needy and I was younger and had more energy. I’m just about done now.
Or so I tell myself. Even when your children are grown and flown, they are still your children. They still need you. They will always need you, more or less. You won’t have to change their diapers or wipe their butts (hopefully), but they will need subtle help in terms of advice and encouragement. They also might need college tuition payments or help in a house down payment. If you get to walk your daughter down the aisle to her new husband, you also get to help pay for the rehearsal dinner the night before and the wedding reception afterwards. It never really ends. You are always her father. You never stop being her mother.
But neither are you breastfeeding at 3 am in a sleep-deprived haze anymore. You are not an adrenaline-powered parent always following your senseless toddler around to keep him from stumbling out into traffic, or to prevent her from falling into a jacuzzi and drowning. That is a relief!
But we are left with the argument. Is parenting an exhausting slog, as one side of the argument seems to suggest? A chore for adults to complete, like paying an insurance premium or maintaining the house? An unending series of responsibilities and obligations? Is it a negative? Or is it instead a joyous romp with your “mini-me”? An opportunity to share interests and laugh and play with your children? A chance to live vicariously your childhood again through the eyes of your offspring? Is it positive? As I see it, parenting is both negative and positive. And parenting is also so much more besides that, all of which would be hard to put down in words. I do not regret becoming a parent. But I do not regret the vasectomy I had after the birth of my second daughter, either. Not for one second. Ever.
You come across these “culture war” issues where one side squares off against the other. In a polarized political society it gets reduced to “yes” vs. “no.” You are on “this side” or “that side” — in school or at work, someone else is “with us” or “against us.” So it goes. A person is either a “conservative” or a “liberal” — the infamous “Red America” vs. “Blue America” divide. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with believing in both arguments about the choice to start a family. Parenting is an eminently worthwhile venture which, in my opinion, has changed me for the better. It has also come close to sucking the life energy right out of me. To believe one does not make the other less true.
So two, if not three, cheers for parents and for parenting.
And happy Mother’s Day everyone!
Happy Mother’s Day 2023!
